RANT and DICK

The Rant and Dick Show #29 - The Last One!!!

2011-01-13T12:20:00.014Z

OK, it's time to draw a line under is pile of shit of a podcast.

We're starting afresh as-of the next one, so this podcast is basically a sorry and goodbye.

But check out the new RANTandDICK: The Second Coming #1 podcast.

Love

RANT (@ldn-rant)

DICK (@blogstrop)

and together (@RANTandDICK)

http://m.podshow.com/media/23990/episodes/262603/therantanddickshow-262603-01-02-2011.mp3

The Rant and Dick show #28: The Minutes

2010-09-26T20:46:00.000+01:00

First of all, we've had a drink - you've been warned

This weeks we cover the following

- Developments on the Rant and Dick band; Beast, with songs including Wide Eyed MongYogurt Cannon
- Is a steak worth the risk for stomach and bowel cancer? - yes of course it is
- Rant talks about his morning poo's
- Norwood Junction's Somerfields opens a brand new section - the human shit section
- Dicks porno disappoints - you can only knock-one-out to golden showers so many times
- Why Steven Segal is a cunt
- Chilean Miners update - perhaps you'll get them out quicker is you, PUT THEM FUCKER PAN PIPES DOWN! and

- The downside of acid attacks

- We pimp Ann Widdecombe
- We recount the most Diva moment of Dick's life

Plus a load of other crap

Enjoy and thanks for listening

rant and dick xxx

The Rant and Dick show #27

2010-09-10T23:50:00.000+01:00

Sorry for not posting for so long but we've busy taking over the world, one abuse tweet at a time.

So, we had our first ever event the other week with was a raging success - thanks to all those who came.

Anyways, we've done another podcast for your hearing pleasure.

the Rant and Dick show #27 : the minutes

- The 6 grand Knight Rider coffee maker

- If R and D did babe cam, with our french-set yogurt cannon.

- Dick proposes the new band "BEAST"

- Axel Rose disappoints the whole of Reading and reminisce about our Reading glory days, which included trying to start fire with plastic bags and glass bottles

- William "I'm defo not gay, coz I love women and footie" Hague

- Tony Blair blames the drink for the invasion of Iraq...... and for pulling that munter down at Caesars the other night

- Complaining - Why are GP receptionists the nosy bitches on earth

R and D xxx

The Rant and Dick Pod Crawl!!!

2010-08-09T11:16:00.000+01:00

We're 25 Podcasts in, a number we thought we'd never get to, so we'd like to a celebrate with a pub crawl to remember.

On Saturday 21st August come along and get drunk with Rant and Dick, crawl includes an alternative history walk, please note if you try to stab us we have Dave with us and he will kill you. Would love to see you there, nobody is leaving until they are gurning on Kebab.

We're meeting at the following
1pm, Saturday 21st August
The Kings Arms Pub,
25 Roupell Street,
Waterloo,
London, SE1 8TB
United Kingdom
Click here for map

Please confirm on email if you're coming along- rantanddick@gmail.com

Please note Rant will be exceeding his 4 pint limit so we'll need as many people as possible to restrain Rant when he goes for the first hipster he sees.

See you there
Rant and Dick xxx

The Rant and Dick Show # 24

2010-08-02T23:21:00.001+01:00

The new podcast is here, have a look below - We'll do a full minutes tomorrow for you all.

Enjoy and please tell you friends!
thanks
Rant and Dick xx

R.A.D.S. #23: the minutes

2010-07-26T17:09:00.005+01:00

Time again for another breakdown of our ramblings, this time, the rant and dick show #23

We officially announce the winner of this months #C*ntOfTheMonth – and this months winner is Prof Green, congratulations to him, he’s mad a little talent go a long way.

Russians get revenge following lackluster Winnie the Pooh stories by sending a Donkey up in the air

Darth Vader falls on hard times and robs bank following the destruction of the Death Star.

Following the remake of the A-Team we give out ideas of for new project

New Hippo bombing device unveiled

Nelson Mandela has a stroke live during the podcast

Dick becomes a personal trainer offering a unique gym experience and Rant lamps a eight year old girl in Ka-ra-te

We try and work out where Jason Stratham accent in Crank actually comes from

We recount our limited experiences of Schools Fights

Enjoy Rant and Dick xxx

The Rant and Dick Show #22: The Minutes

2010-07-22T22:39:00.000+01:00

Dick explains why he’s a bit Spanish, including his hatred of cows, love of SEAT cars and his 3 hour lunches

Getting over the hangover of the World Cup with an analysis of the BBC pundit team, including Pervy Uncle Mark Lawrenson and the unsympathetic Alan Shearer

Cheryl Cole becomes the latest victim of the African Karma

The best Street Fighter II characters to be mates with

Dick’s mid-life crisis kicks-in with a listing of his failures

Social media etiquette: Shit updates, LOL, LMAO, PMSL

BAE unveils its new aeroplane, The Taranis – with its “Afghan Wedding Party Targeting System”

Raul Moat: The Spanish football legend signs for Northumberland F.C. and goes nuts, but Gazza saves the day with a bit of chicken and a fishing rod

And finally an exclusive interview with Paul the Psychic Octopus

Pippin the tumerous Schnauzer - Christmas Special

2010-07-19T21:40:00.000+01:00

It was Christmas Eve in Ashford, God never visited this place, it was on a flood plain, and for a good reason, but all the same, it was Christmas, Sue had put up modest decorations, nobody would see them, both her parents were long dead, probably just dust now, she had no children, a sister who had moved to New Zealand and never kept in touch, but all the same Sue would always get excited this time of year(as if by some chance Santa would deliver her a couple of bouncing Baby boys, no chance love, he might have knocked her up if she was the last delivery and he was rosy cheeked from all the whiskey and mince pies, his powerful hands forcing her face down o'er the bed driving her pugsy pale face in the mattress and blowing through that huge moustache and rocking the whole bed as he delivered it to her hard and fast before wheezing to a shuddering climax and delivering an old load right over everything and bellowing out the ending in the manner of Brian Blessed before adjusting his huge belt buckle and hoisting his comedy sized red velvet trousers up and over his tubby member.

The fact that she had even thought this sickened her but she was lonely, old and desperate, unbeknownst to her, Santa would not be visiting Ashford, too many power lines, he wanted to give the gift of Christmas not spend his last days dying of leukaemia in Lapland for Christ's sake.

Sue had enjoyed a few glasses of port and had enjoyed listening to some old classic Whitney Houston and was really rather tipsy, Pippin was sitting on his basket, his little terminally ill drawn face peeping over the top of the basket and just watching Sue pom pomming along to the hits, even as a dog, he was really quite embarrassed for her, the moment skidded to an end when Pippin had a gargantuan convulsive fit and twitched about like an eighties body popper being electrocuted, and having an eppy, this was it he thought, a little bit of tongue showing through gritted teeth and fang.

Sue ran towards her beloved pet with abandon but wrapped one of her spiny legs around the coffee table, it was heavy and rather dear and so sent the poor cow flying through the air like she had been shot with an elephant gun, and fouled by Roy Keane, her arms trailed woefully at her sides, she had to time to steady her fall, fortunately the only thing to soften her landing was the stricken twitching beast, her shapeless and ungainly skull cracked into the poor animal and made an embarrassing crack, she rolled over, every emotion was going through her, and she let out one of them wails (like in part 3 when the only chance she ever had with a fella ended under the wheels of a large car). Pippin had stopped shaking and convulsing, she was sure she had killed him and her face went up to the sky and contorted like a pre shit arsehole, she was just about to scream at god himself when the mutt came back to life, the unplanned face butt actually had stopped the fit and saved the dog from a horrid death, Sue was still shaking, baffled, was this to be the remedy to any future fits? She couldn't bring herself to touch Pippin, she simply stared at him in shock and disbelief. Pippin slowly came round, fixed on Sue and pulled a face like the Bruce Willis hard man face in Die hard and called her a fuckin interfering bi ped cunt, (in dog) once again, his journey to Canine Elysium was sullied by the clumsiest sexually devoid lump that was his owner.

After about 40 awkward minutes Sue returned to the sofa and poured herself a stiff port (this was to be the only stiff thing that came Sues way, not unless that darned mutt popped his clogs and went rigger on her lonely ass) Pippin had gone back to sleep, Sue had gone from Tipsy to a little drunk (or squiffy as she would no doubt call it) end eventually fell asleep on the sofa, Christmas Eve slowly twinkled into Christmas day, and hordes of excited little kiddies awoke to sacks of presents, couples rolled over for that extra special Christmas suck n fuck, and everyone in the world was happy, and united in the spirit of Christmas, armed East African machete wielding bandits downed tools and rejoiced in the togetherness of Christmas, nobody died, nobody got cleaved, bomb makers in the Yemen ceased their terrible trade and gave every infidel the day off, Chinese Snake head gangs put pillows in the backs of lorries for the hundreds of soon to be cockle pickers and made their hellish ride a little bit more comfortable and even piped through heart FM (where available), West End woofters thought twice about shooting their knowingly aids riddled sex piss up the poopers of popper popping confused young men, oh, and it snowed, all over the world, everywhere was beautiful, but Ashford, where a sad lonely syntactic fuck pig of a woman woke up with her sick dying dog and a huge bruise the shape of Eritrea on her leg.

The Minutes: R.A.D.S.#21

2010-07-02T00:34:00.002+01:00

Hello all,
Well, its that time of the week already, for another podcast.
And it's a special one, #21, this is usually the number people consider you a "proper" adult, when you're fully formed and ready to take on the world.

Traditionally, you're also supposed to be given the "key to the house" - something we're sure Josef Fritzl's daughter was hoping for when she unwrapped her present, only to revel another in-appropriate underwear set to add to the collection.

That being said, we're adults and the podcast reflects this, as we deal with the very adult decisions.

Including Rant deciding that after 6 months of not smoking it would be a good idea to smoke continuously for two weeks or how ever long England remained in the world cup, and then go cold turkey on the day of recording. - uttering only 5 angry words for the first 15 minutes of podcast.

Other subjects covered
egypt - it's quite hot
rants bowel movements
heartbreak - it's a wanker
the hatred of james corden - he's fat wanker
& we also answer some of our listeners problems in our agony uncle section

Download here or stream below

Enjoy
Rant and Dick

The Dick Show

2010-06-24T23:24:00.001+01:00

Well, as Rant's away I've (Dick) has taken full advantage behind his back - of course this isn't the first time I've done this.
But last time, I blamed it on the drink, left a nasty stain and Rant with a sore arse.

This is my choice cuts for our "Rant and Dick's Saturday Night Piss Takeaway Podcasts"

Including...
-the Church of Lionel Richie
-the Mark "Media Albatross" Quiz
-Rainbow: Behind the Laughter

And a load of other shit.

Stream it below or on itunes

Enjoy Dick

Who the fuck are Rant and Dick?

2010-06-21T21:30:00.002+01:00

our first, and probably last, ever interview - courtesy of the Londonist

R.A.D.S. #18: The minutes

2010-06-04T12:22:00.009+01:00

the breakdown on another excellent podcast from us

stream podcast here

Bullshitting work colleagues / conspiracy nuts
Talking pets
-Has Dick discovered new breed of intelligent life in South London?
More knowledge from the GorgieYoga-"I don’t eat anything cold with a spoon”
Man Vs Nature
-rant and dick try help the greenhouse effect, taking down one tree at a time.
LondonNews
-Local women mistakes baby for baked potato
-Travel links strengthened with the East London Line, vandalism bound to rise, with shit sure to smeared across Hoxton (mainly produced in the Norwood Junction area)
-Musical Guns / Weapon – murdering and entertaining in equal measure.
Sex and the City2
-We deconstruct Sarah Jessic Parker, using only a hammer and fire
-No redeeming qualities, apart from in “the quest of fanny”
Olympic Mascot
-Shinny Ad Agency spunk
Crossbow Killer
-Is it our mate Dave?
World Cup fever
-Is the Nike ad and musical montages the best things about it?

Announcement: The Minutes

2010-06-04T11:32:00.010+01:00

We know we've been bad with posting on here, but a lot of things have happened, like the sun coming out and shops selling beers etc etc etc.

But to try and make up for this, were going to post minutes for each of the Rant and Dick Show podcast.

Logically it should start with podcast #1 but of course we don't work like that, plus sitting though 15+ hours of ramblings sounds too much like hard work, so we're starting with our latest podcast #18

Enjoy!
R and D xxx

Pippin, the Tumerous Schnauzer – Part 1

2010-03-08T22:46:00.005Z

This story follows the bumbling hormonally retarded ‘adventures’ of Sue Brayer (46) and her once performing dog Pippin who is now riddled with cancer and wants more than anything to die, but Sue keeps him alive with drugs and numerous visits to the vet. Erm... Enjoy.

The sun came up over Ashford and reluctantly shone down its life giving rays over the bleak and shoddily built expanse, its only success being the birth place of hairy faced drink driving advocate Mungo Jerry, apart from that, it really was a stretch of shit. Anyway, the sun, being pretty much stationary, could only hope to beam as much skin cancer down on the hapless fucktards that shuffled about the town idly going about their business and stealing the air off normal folk. None more pathetic than local womb-tard Sue Brayer, a desperately lonely child and husbandless husk of humanity who, not content with living out her frankly painful existence alone, and getting it out of the way as quickly as possible utilising drink and drugs like normal failures, she went about her baron life with a small dog in tow, a Schnauzer, Pippin was his name and he was very ill, very ill indeed.

Back in the late 90’s Pippin was a very special doggy, he would open supermarkets, do little adverts in local news papers, win awards, and had even been on the telly once, he could do little signs with his hands and make little doggie actions, the sort of things that made kiddies and parents laugh and coo like cunts, and teenagers want to put him in a little cloth sack, and clobber him with house bricks. Poor Pippin was now riddled with cancer and was only alive due to Sue’s desperate visits to the vets and consumption of numerous expensive pills and treatments, that would render his little life pain free at times, but mostly confused and spaced out.

With her womb having about as much output as a free range Dodo farm, Sue lived out her mothering fantasies through the small dog, lapping up the admiration of the small crowds as Pippin would ‘wow’ them with his array of tricks (4 tricks in total). Today, although Pippin had taken longer to stir than usual, she was due to open the new children’s section of Ashford Central Library, she enthused around the house getting ready in her dowdy clothes and tried to rouse Pippin with one of them high pitched Barbara Woodhouse’esque voices that made you want to put a red hot knitting needle into both ears until they met in the middle. Pippin would have happily skipped today and stayed at home and stopped breathing as quickly as possible, lying there like a cold novelty slipper with his tongue lolling out the side, that’s what he wanted today, death please. Never the less, Sue got him into the car and off they went. Pippin prayed that they would swerve into a petrol tanker and die in a white hot fire ball, hoping even further than should be expected for a small dog, that he would survive the fireball long enough to see Sues repulsive perm melting in the flames and see her slowly fizzing and melting into the plastic innards of the Volvo like a human childless candle, he stared at the back of her head as he thought this, even letting out a little growl.

Sue pom pommed away to the radio, Classic FM, all the songs sounded the same to Pippin, screeching, loud rubbish, too much going on, he liked 80’s music, Duran Duran was his favourite, although he obviously never knew this, he was a dog for fuck sake?

Arriving at the Library sue had seen some of the locals who had gathered including some Primary school children, who were too young to have any choice over their day, but if they did, 100% of these would not have turned up to see the hormonally sweaty loner and her little grey bag o’pain.

Sue got Pippin out of the car and they walked round to the front of the Library and met with the Assistant to the Mayor and some local press, nobody note worthy. Pippin was walking awkwardly and was in some amount of pain, they went up to a ribbon and Pippin was to stand his paw on a little plate which would cut the ribbon and open the library, simple? Pippin went up and countdown started, the kids looked on in anticipation, 5-4-3-2-1, Pippin, almost bang on cue never managed to press the plate, but instead had a huge convulsive fit, simultaneously spraying bloody vomit and hot faeces out like a furry garden sprinkler. Sue ran to her only companion and scooped the still pooping mutt off the floor and ran him to the Volvo with the now backing track of small children mostly crying (but some laughing, the sort of little cunts who grow up to be wife beaters and other little shit for souls of that ilk).

Sue managed to stabilise the poor little fucker in the back of the car and he slowly came out of the fit, starting at Sues eyes in a manner that could only imply that she was a right out of order cuntess of the highest order. She cleaned him up and walked him back to the children who had mostly finished crying, except for a couple of them (the sort who grow up to be vegans or hanging round Clapham Common to get their arses shot full of ‘yoghurt’).

She reintroduced the now post convulsive pet to the children and reassured the teacher that Pippin was fine; one of the little children moved forward and grabbed Pippin round the ribs to stroke him in the clumsy manner that you could get away with on a healthy dog. Unfortunately he had stroked right where the pain was. Pippin flicked round fast biting the child on the face and drawing blood, the teacher ran forward and side footed the animal sending him onto the floor and back into the shit and pissing fit that had horrified the crowd only moments earlier. Sue shoved the teacher and once again grabbed the afflicted canine and bundled him into the back of the Volvo and roared off, her dowdy top had such a horrid pattern that you could barely notice the bloody crud and vomitus.

Sue sped home dangerously, sweat patches under her arms and back in the house practically stuffing a cocktail of tablets into the bemused beasts’ throat working his mouth like the worst kind of ventriloquist act, sending him for an early night. Sue was now shuddering lonely tears, the type that echo that much harder without the arms of a loving husband around her.

Pippin slept for the rest of the afternoon, dreams of crossing over to the other side (and away from this wreckage of an owner). And Sue? Well did what she did best, sat uncomfortably on the sofa drinking red wine out of a large glass and suppressing tears of loneliness listening to classical music or some other shit that’s held in high regard by people who have more money than sense. Sue also worried that the bitten child’s parents would press to have her little man put down, had Pippin known this was a possibility he would have lock jawed onto the poor kid and at least tried to leave a scar for life.

The sun could finally turn in for the night and not have to gaze at Ashford and made way for the moon, who hated the fucking shanty with as much vitriol as he hot gaseous friend, and the stars twinkled and children were kissed goodnight and lots of people were told that they were loved, but not poor Sue, she climbed into the loneliest bed in the world, her only company a fucked dog who slept in a chemically induced manner wheezing like a bad bag pipe and praying that the morning never comes. “Goodnight” Sue said feebly from her bed, but nobody answers, nobody answers….

The Evolution of the Rant and Dick Show.

2010-02-09T22:43:00.003Z

A lot of people (Dave and Joe) have commented on the chemistry between me and Rant, well, its actually literal chemistry, I do the entire recording with a can of pepper spray held directly towards him, after years of him continually trying to touch me “down there”.
Yes, its true that my penis resembles a religious icon, but there is absolutely no gain for anyone in touching, or worshiping it, the most you will get is blessed by my ‘yogurt’, which you will only come to regret when you have one of my offspring making its way down your birth canal like one of the drills that bored the channel tunnel out.

We’ve put about 15 hours of ‘content’ (about 20 podcasts) out so far and we really hope that you are enjoying them, the goal was to recreate the golden (shower) age of radio where you could sit around the radiogram with the whole family and listen to a 35 year old fat man on a diet, and a 28 year old guy with everything to play for talk utter bollocks for about an hour (Daddy, what’s a shit c**t?)

If you can find the really early stuff its good to hear how we have come on in terms of production (and inability to be able to find them ourselves in the tundra that is the internet); we love the ad-lib side of things and never script ourselves and pretty much make it all up on the day with loose ideas. Its important to point out that we are not a pair of pricks sitting there praying over tragedy and taking the piss out of it, like some morbid grief vultures, but more to the point, there are hidden messages of intelligence in our taking apart of the news, and emotional depth, feeling and even compassion, if you manage to find these sentiments, please let us know, we hid them so well we cant find them ourselves (and we can then delete them). Anyway, the world is proper fucked so who gives a shit if we put a few noses out of joint, or back in joint if you are Alex Reid or Cat Deeley, Christ..

Anyway, we rely on your feedback and support, otherwise its back to rent boying around Kings Cross station for me, biting into the faux leather in the back of a Audi A3 while getting back pumped like an air bed by pent up cocaine addled brokers and traders, for £30 a pop, they never give me any change. And sadly, its back to Zippys circus for Rant, sitting in his tiny cage while all and sundry walk past starting, wondering, regurgitating at the listless drooling caged cretin, shuffling up and down and throwing handfuls of shit at posh School children. Your love can prevent this.

Love R & D, just a pair of Truckers on the Comedy Highway, coming off at Ipswich and raping humour and leaving it in the police station with a cup of sweet tea and a spray of DNA.

The Making of The Rant and Dick Show

2010-02-07T01:30:00.007Z

Some people (including my own brother) have commented that all we do is get pissed and talk rubbish on a cheap £12.99 mic, this is not the case.
We both get up at 6am every day and run for 4 miles, then I lift lots of weights (usually just getting up the stairs) and then gargle with unicorn piss to get our vocal chords in tip top condition for the weekly recording. I am the returned to a medically induced coma and traverse to the 4th dimension where I live on alcestis 4 as Theron the giver and Rant returns to his other guise as eccentric Millionaire and philanthropist Bryan Harper.

The Rant and Dicks Show is a carbon neutral recording and the only environmental damage is to the chicken and sheep that make up the contents of my large mixed kebab and possibly the high levels of methane that are emitted from Rants arse.

As always, we are always happy to receive feedback and signs of affection (such as ladies underwear, washed).

We realise that the quality of the recording needs to improve and are currently in the middle of a charity fundraising appeal in Africa where we have a large fanbase and we hope that the money raised from the sale of the UN food drops will allow us to invest in a new microphone, sampler and mixer.

We will soon be introducing a range of Rant and Dick products to the site including mugs, aprons, lingerie, 12 bore shotgun cartridges and small jade carvings.

New from Rant and Dick Products!!!

2010-01-19T17:21:00.006Z

Surprise a loved one with a gift they'll never forget.

Brand new from Rant and Dick products comes Dippy's BEAR-O-GRAM.

Each of Dippy's BEAR-O-GRAM comes with a personalised balloon and sash message, a selectopn of themed hats and optional saddle for bear rodeo fun.

Make someone's day, contact Rant and Dick now.

* Please note, all bear are now fully trained and each BEAR-O-GRAM comes with our patented bear mace/air freshener.

You're my best fly...

2009-11-18T07:51:00.005Z

Jeff after a few beers.

Genius!

Hello strangers

2009-11-18T07:04:00.003Z

Morning all, well a lot of things have been happening, well when a say a lot, I mean I've been playing a lot of Call of Duty: Modern Warfare2.

So much so that I've worn my thumbs to nubs. I'm actually, I'm typing this by smashing my head into the keyboard over and over again.

What else to say? Well, hopefully we'll be getting the Rant & Dick podcast back on track within the next couple of weeks, I'm sure Dick's got a lot of frustration stored-up and ready to offend you all.

Laters

Rant and Dick

The Final Nail

2009-05-26T21:53:00.004+01:00

Just to confirm the hip hop is dead these bunch of wankers decided to drive the final nail in the coffin.

Please note the skinny jeans - now we're no nazi's but if we were in charge these peps would be first up against the wall.

Fattie Mears causes loyal viewers tears

2009-05-09T21:18:00.008+01:00

Following the Ray Mears Interview on the Rant & Dick: S.N.P.T.A. podcast not many were surprised when details for his new T.V. series were announced.

The wilderness man of the BBC has entertained and educated viewers for over 10 years with his travelling and survival skills exploits, has come under severe criticism.

Claims that parts of his shows are faked, and that Mears himself has been heard saying and that "It all bollocks, I'm never more than three foot away from a chip van, It's all the Sherpas work, fuck'em," have harmed his reputation.

But what really confirmed his new status as a twig-eating-bullshitter is his series, Life in the Fast Food Lane, where Ray travels from country to country sampling the different types of fast food offered.

But Ray says there will be certain rules to the show "Only restaurants offering chips will be considered, I'm not going to sit there and eat some foreign muck" adding "what sorta of mug do you take me for ehh? I'm not no Michael Palin."

To hear the full interview click here

Rant & Dick

Announcement: the Rant & Dick Era

2009-05-06T12:49:00.001+01:00

Hello all!

Sorry, I know, it’s been a while. But I’ve been busy.
Well I should actually say that we’ve been busy – yes that’s right, for just like in the Spice Girls classic, Two have now become One.

This will no-longer be a solo project, basically because I don’t have enough talent or skill to fill this space all by myself. It’s has now become the home of Rant (that’s me) and Dick (the skilled and talented one, the only drawback being that he looks like Rose West but with a beard)

Please see below

Anyways we’ll be doing a lot more postings on here in the near future, including our weekly podcast The Rant & Dick: Saturday Night Piss Takeaway, which you should all be listening to.

You can either listen to them directly from your blog or download them by right-clicking RSS feed or clicking on the podcast banner above.

But be warned it’s got a lot of swearing in it including a bit about alien rape – so not for the easily offended, if you are, fudge off.

Laters
R&D

2009-05-05T21:31:00.000+01:00

My Podcast Alley feed! {pca-a1debb0d59e87b2c762264d1ae8e33ed}

Easter Eggs and Star Trek

2009-04-17T19:07:00.000+01:00

Hello All,
I know it's been a while, but I've been away for Easter and was ill - And, no, it wasn't AIDS.

But I did get to see the new Star Trek film - It's fucking amazing.

Sorry I meant, It's absolutely MUDDER FUCKING amazing.
Especially if, like me, never had that much time of for S.T. of old.

I won't be doing a review, apart from saying that you all should go and see it.

But is you do fancy a review of it please check out this link http://girly-scribbles.blogspot.com/2009/04/wait-i-have-to-had-my-phone-in.html

Also, add this URL to your reading list http://girly-scribbles.blogspot.com

I'll be doing some new post in the next couple of days, with a pretty cool announcement waiting in the wings so keep a look-out.

Laters

And on the 7th day god created the Wire

2009-03-30T11:45:00.000+01:00

For anyone who ever met me. Within the first 15 mins of I'll ask you "Do you watch the Wire?"
For it truly is the Greatest bit of telly of all time.
And tonight, it makes its debut on British terrestrial TV on the BBC, to celebrate this here's one of my favourite scenes - Bunk and McNulty communicating in typica Wire fashion.

Enjoy!

Sheppey Law

2009-03-16T13:22:00.000Z

Law & Order: UK broke the mold with the unlikely pairing of Battlestar Galactica golden boy Jamie Bamber and 80's funny man and seaside pier performer Bradley Walsh

A lot of eyebrows were raised when this duo was first announced, but the reaction has been pretty positive to the first outing of the UK-take on a hugely successful U.S. crime series.

This may well open up the door to other 80's stars looking to make a comeback.

Especially with the current credit crunch climate programmers are looking at old favourites to re-harsh and successful U.S. shows to remake.

The first two has already been announced.
Morse: The Next Generation.

Kevin Whatley returns as Lewis with the addition of Morse's Long-lost son, Jack Morse, played by T.V. funny man Brian Conley.

But, insider's say there have been teething problems with Conley requesting rewrites for scripts to include "Morses' ear wiggling crime detector" and his demands to have the line " It's a puppet" appear in every episode.

Also, the remake of L.A. Law starring our very own Gary Wilmot is underway. Relocating the show to the Isle of Sheppey, Kent. Wilmot's character will battle it out ruthless land owners and uncovers the corruption that runs deep in the Sheppey Island Police.

When Mayors Attack

2009-03-13T10:40:00.000Z

Mayor of London, Boris, has decided to help the motorist by cutting back on the time predestrians have to cross the road.

This is suppose to speed up flow of traffic through the city centre and suburbs by cutting back on stop-start traffic.

Ideas to do this have ranged from a countdown system to a traffic light-style crossing sign, informing predestrians how long they have until the traffic light goes to green and traffic starts moving.

There's been quite a bit of opposition towards this, many questioning what effect this would on the elderly and disabled.

But I'm going to say what Boris probably wants to say, "Fuck'em."

Boris, I reckon you should go a step further, perhaps set up some trap doors to clear the road of the pesky oldies if they can't cross the road in time. Or how about a big swinging axe, like out of Indiana Jones.

Better yet, at the base of the lights, place a greyhound racing trap with an attack dog inside that hasn't been fed in a while, then once the red man appears and the dog is unleashed and can have his fill of those slow, lazy, non-taxpayers.

The New sign appearing across London

Bring your Dinner

2009-03-11T11:16:00.000Z

The world is in meltdown, the bankers and world leaders have sent us back to the dark ages.
But one man can sort us out. One man can get things back on track. One man has the balls to tell it how it is.

Its half time at the World Trade Conference and John Sitton has some words of advice.

Go John Go

Oh Boy... 21st Century Facts

2009-03-10T11:18:00.000Z

I woke up this morning with the odd sense, not unlike Sam Becket in Quantum Leap when he's just been transported into a new body.

I was at the stage just before the "oh boy" realisation moment and that know-it-all turd with the cigar and calculator turned up.

I turned on the telly and saw that a policeman had been shot dead in Northern Ireland, Street Fighter was #1 in the games charts and that Red Dwarf was going to be on out screens this Easter so I guessed it must be the Early/mid 90's.

So I wanted to give you lot a heads-up and tell you how things are going to be in the next century.

1) Culottes will make a surprise return and will not be the for Brownies only anymore. Instead, they'll be available for city sluts and skanks. See below.

2) You know how good T2 was - well if you're hoping that they'll be another Terminator film don't fret, it's coming. (Bad news - you'll have to wait about 15 years and it'll be proper poo.)

3) Oh and Arnie will drop the acting and focus on running the world by becoming Governor of L.A. - No shit!

4) MiniDisk will not be the all-conquering format it promised to be and will die on it's arse, making all those people you payed £200 for a portable MD player wished they had invested their money in something more secure like Lloyds Bank shares or Woolworths vouchers.

5) Oops, Woolworths will be no more, meaning people will now have to travel to their local cinema to purchase over-priced pic'n'mix.

6) People won't pay for Music / Films / Games

7) Instead of payment for the above, your PC will be infected with more viruses than you can shake a stick at.

8) A black man will be in the White House. Surprised? Well wait and see who he replaced, thats a shocker!

9) Depression will back with a bang and will make the Pound so worthless that common commerce will bargain with coloured stones instead.

10) A lot of things will be different but one thing will remain the same - Michaela Strachan will still be hot, she'll be pushing 50, but those kaki shorts make the Really Wild Show watchable (Sadly Terry Nutkins will still have that dodgy barnet.)

See you in the future guys.

Reviewed: Watchmen: The End is Nigh (It's shit)

2009-03-09T16:44:00.000Z

Do not get sucked in, I repeat - Do not get sucked in.
It may look good, but it's not.
It’s comparable to a shit-favoured cake, no matter how much icing to layer on top of it, it still tastes like shit.

I'm not saying that this game was a rushed job - I'm just standing on a soap box, with a loudspeaker, screaming it.

Set before the events of the film, Watchmen: The End Is Nigh hopes to transport you to a world of darkness and brutality, where you fight your way through the city, one thug at a time.

You have the choice to play as either Night Owl or Rorschach.
But don't get too excited, the only real difference between them is Night Owl has the use of of his electrified owl suit and Rorschach can pick up weapons found around the levels as well as from defeated foes.

The plot of the game is so pitifully bad that I won't even mention it, but in short, you'll be guaranteed to spend 99.9% of your time running from one room to another room, fighting the same 5 or 6 baddies.

The gameplay is clunky at best and due to the poor 3D format of the game you'll find your punches and other attacking moves often missing your target. This can be very frustrating, like when you come home drunk and you try to get the key in the door - It's that level of frustration.

See above, Rorschach runs around like a flasher on speed.

The game doesn't actually look that bad, and sometimes standing there as Rorschach, back lit by a burning cars the game look god damn cool. But they could have done so much more.

It's a basic basic basic beat'em up from 1996 - think Final Fight or Double Dragon.

Sadly this is just a money making scheme for the developers. They know that the game will shift if they slap a smiley blood-stained badge on the front of it.

Hopefully if there's another Watchmen game - (which the game hints to) it will live up to the expectations the graphic novel and movie will inevitably produce, instead of this game, which is a clunky cock-up of a game that pales in comparison with the graphic novel’s original vision.

LDNmauling

Ain't Getting in No Tank Fool

2009-03-05T15:33:00.000Z

Thankfully not all celebrities spend their time promoting cheese.
Some can fight the Nazi's and get a bit of cash for a chocolate firm at the same time, we salute you MrT.

God Gave Rock and Cheese to You.

2009-03-05T11:16:00.000Z

The Awards season is nearly over... Thank fuck for that.

Usually the only two award ceremonies that I can stomach are the Comedy Adwards (because they're funny, innit!) and the NME's (because it's the only awards where I've heard the C-word used, and it updates my classication of whats classed as a twat). Unfortunately, this year Coldplay weren't at the NME's so I couldn't get my twat-o-meter right up to date. But the ceremony did at least confirm one thing to me, something that of course I already knew in my heart... Flops and dandys are current kings of castles in the music industry.

But like Clark Wallabees and Hobnob biscuits, somethings never go out of fashion. Blur are a good example of that. In the nineties they were pioneers of "Britpop" (I hate that term) and have alwayed maintained a certain level of respectability, right up to them split up a few years ago. So when Albarn and Coxon surprised everyone by appearing on the together they were welcomed warmly.

I was, of course, cheering louder than most - not because of who was on stage, but for who was missing. Alex James.

Now, don't get me wrong - the guy's a great bass player, so good in fact that I can look past the floppy hair. But for the past two years any show, either Radio or TV that he has appeared on, the first words out of his mouth is about cheese - fucking cheese.

The shameful pluging for a product undoes a good will I had for him.

He's not an Art School Rocker anymore - no - he's fucking cheese seller.
Dressed up in tweed, flat cap and all - he's the modern day version of Mr Ben.

Rammed in the Arse

2009-02-23T14:03:00.000Z

Ever since the first Total War game came out (circa '97) I've been totally hooked.

For anyone why doesn't know about Total War, it's a series of games where you play a general, controlling your army on the battlefield and building cities on conquered lands as you try and conquer the world. As you build new barracks etc. you unlock new types of units to recruit and add to you army - take it from me, it's very very addictive.

So with excitement I start to install the game. The loading screen show images of pikemen defending the line, Knights on mighty steeds slashing down their foes, and trebuchets flinging flaming volleys at the barricades of a besieged castle. All of this whetting my appetite!

I start thinking about my first move… Which regions to attack first? Should I try and keep France on my side as backup for when I attack The Holy Roman Empire?

And then... And then... Reality kicks in - the piece of crap, which is my affectionate pet name for the PC, officially informs me something that, in my heart of hearts, I already know - This piece of crap PC can't handle any graphics more complex than solitaire or mindsweeper.

It's something i need to get use to. Because, as anyone who likes PC gaming knows, you can spend your life (and all your money) buying graphics cards and downloading drivers in the vain hope of trying to keep pace with the current "system requirements", but you’ll never get the quality you instantly get from a games console.

"This shit is Future-proof I tell you, just like the Sinclair C5"

So, like a fool, I spent the next couple of hours researching the price of graphics cards, watching vids on youtube on how to install said cards and attempting the difficult, if not impossible task of trying to convince my girlfriend that it was "money well spent".

So now I’m reading that valve will be making a PC with, wait for it, 12GB of Ram! What’s the point! there is no point! I've only got one kidney to sell, and that would probably only keep in up to date for about a month or two.

Here the rest of the PC porn - i mean system spec from Valve.
EVGA X58 3X SLI Intel Motherboard Intel Corei7 940 2.93GHz
Quad-Core Processor 12GB PC3-10600 DDR3 1333MHz ram

See! pointless - how am i going to complete with that!

Instead, I'm going back to old faithful, my fantastic xbox, - you'll never let me down. OK, so I've had to send you to the menders a couple of times. And I pay £70 a year to be screamed at by a 14 year old American kid.

But it’s worth it.

It a shit Jim, but not as we know it.........

2009-02-20T13:47:00.000Z

Reports in the papers today say that a 100ft Giant Snake has been spotted in Borneo.

Now OK, this may look just a tad photoshopped, especially considering that the snake's meant to be around 100ft, and from the size of the trees beside it here, it looks closer to 1000ft. But I'm still willing to give it the benefit of the doubt.

So, my plan is to put together a crack team to confirm and takeout this creature.

Fingers crossed, I’ll be able to bring together the standard "Giant (insert creature type here) Team." I've got Samuel L Jackson onboard. He'll be the father figure who probably has had a run-in with the creature years ago and has a score to settle.

A sexy science girl (doesn't really matter what she specialises in, as long as she owns a lab coat and wears glasses - preferably, half way down her nose). A weapons specialist, who'll have no regard for nature, doesn't believe that the snake actually exists and is just there for the money. Finally, I have a local tracker, to take over from the Weapons Specialist once he's been eaten by the snake.

I have spaces for 5/6 people, but be warned! I doubt you will last that long, as we need to keep the body count respectable - think of the unnamed characters in the old star trek episodes, especially when landing on new planets.

My City... You hear me!?

2009-02-20T00:24:00.000Z

After everything I went through, I have to show this.
The Ravings of a lunatic...

No Server is Found

2009-02-19T11:37:00.000Z

That's it you fucker - that'll be the last time i call you. You've hurt me too many times.
You promised you wouldn't do it again, and i forgave you, let you back in, and how do you repay me??? By stamping all over my heart and soul
This is what I would have put in the feedback survey for Vodafone customer service if it had given me the option rather than, "Out of 5 - how happy are you with the service you received?"

All I want to do is send a video via email. The phone tells me that no server is found - ok, so I call the "helpline" - "ok sir, I'll send you through a PDF with the instructions" - I follow the instructions, which are - check the settings are correct (which they were) and turn the handset off and on again (which any fans of the IT crowd or anyone who has an IT department in your office, is 99 times out of 100 times the advice you're given for any technical problem). So I turn it off and on again, and with a renewed hope I press send again, and those same words appear... NO SERVER IS FOUND. Another call and another PDF down the road I'm enraged and bending the handset within an inch of it snapping in half.

The last time i remember doing something like this out of frustration, was with my NES controller, playing the first Simpsons games (possibly the hardest platform games i ever played)

In the ads its all goes so simply! A click of a button and it's away. NO ITS NOT - YOU F**KING LIAR! NO IT NOT Every time I press the send button in the vain hope it's going to do what the sodding thing is meant to, it comes back with the words NO SERVER IS FOUND. "But I swear it was different this time," I heard my phone say as it stares up at me... urging me to hit send just one more time. And though I detect a slight hint of sarcasm, I hit the button again... NO SERVER IS FOUND. - the wankers

I hate you Vodafone - I hate you. And your smiling fuckwits in the ads.

In protest, I'll be uploading stuff the old fashioned way. Cables suit me fine. I'll wait it out for my next contract to come along, and then get a phone that won't make me look like one of those chimps in the PG tips ads.

P.S All I wanted to do as post a 5 second clip of my mate making a prat of himself.

last night a rover saved my life

2009-02-17T13:34:00.000Z

"Owlzar! This goes to all my peps. Inger man, the rasp, and fiddy on the turnpipe blap blap blap!" is a snippet of some of the bollocks i have put up with whilst travelling the short distance from my workplace in the centre of town, to my home in deepest darkest south London. And no, I'm not being followed by a bunch of chavvy wannabe mc's. I talking about the pirate radio stations that pop up on a seemingly daily basis, and then disappear again just as quickly.

Generally, it's when I'm going through the New Cross Gate area that my radio waves are interfered with the spark and drone of pirate fm.

Now, it's not that I don't like the tunes, or the mc's for that matter - I’d just like to understand some of it.
It's as if they are talking in latin or some David-Lynch-backward-dwarf language, with secret words and hidden meanings. Like a group of masons.
It's gone beyond the days of the late 90's - when I was forced to listen to pirate garage stations by one of my best friends. He would spend hours trying to explain to me what made it so good. He never fully won me over.

Though I think we both enjoyed the process of him trying to convert me, more so than either of us would have enjoyed listening to me spitting out lyrics. The process involved us parked up on a forecourt, in his brothers uninsured rover, smoking skunk until brains went to mush and our eyes sunk a further inch in to our face. - Basically to the point where Guantanamo Bay: Sounds of the Cell, Greatest Hits would have got the thumbs up from me.

I think I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m officially out of the loop. The generation beneath me has taken over the mantle of being cool... not that in any way, shape, or form, I was ever cool.

There may have been a 6 week window, back in the summer of 1998, when I had pretty sharp hair, I was the thinnest I ever was and had just bought a new beta band t-shirt. For that short period of time, I would have classed myself as being cool.

Of course one too many trips to the curry house and my continued, unwavering adoration of the Lightning Seeds put a stop to that.

Anyway, who needs or wants to know what’s hip with the kids? I have a new vice now (Call of Duty: World at War) - with that in my xbox, who needs real life!?

Ant Man - Fighting crime one jumper at a time.

2009-02-16T14:32:00.000Z

Hello Everybody!

Well, when I say everybody, this is probably only going to be seen by my fantastic girlfriend and a couple of only peps who probably stumbled across this by mistake and the massive image of the hulk have got them interested.

The hulk isn't meant to represent myself - more the little bloke disappearing up that nostril of the mighty Hulk - Ant Man - possible one of the most unpopular superheroes of all time.

"What’s his skills!??" I hear you ask.... well, unlike that vast majority of superheroes, Ant Man doesn't need conventional superpowers like super strength or being able to fly.
No, what makes him stand apart from the other chaps......? He can shrink himself down in size, with the aid of his Ant Helmet he can control ants and... and... "talk to" insects.
Great! you can imagine all the superheroes meeting up and swapping stories of how they took down a crime syndicate or stopped a chemical attack on a major city. "So Ant Man, what have you been up to?" Ant Man shuffles on the spot and looks at his shoes "Well, me and a posse of moths infiltrated Dr Dooms layer at ruined the several of his jumpers - Back of the net!"

Anyways - I'll be talking crap on here on a regular basis and updating you about what crap I’ve been eating, buying, watching, playing and listening to.

LDN Mauling - Ant Man's uncooler buddy.